Cease Fire!
More than two years ago I was sharing an apartment with 3 other guys, and sharing a bedroom with one of them. For many reasons, that I have (thankfully) forgotten now, I really despised my roomie. I think we have made our peace now because we haven't talked in ages. But below is a letter I wrote at the peak of my hate towards him. I told him to write a similar letter to me, so that we could exchange letters and find common ground on our constant disagreements. But he never did. So instead of giving him this letter, I uploaded it on my blog, and let all my friends have a good laugh. Since I was in control of the router at home, I also blocked his laptop from my blog so he couldn't see it. A month or so later, he asked me why he couldn't access blogspot.com, and I removed this entry and unblocked his laptop from the website. Anyway, since the heat has definitely died down now, I thought I'd put it back up for old times' sake. Here it is...
- Slurping down drinks purposefully and loudly.
- Squishy chomping and chewing while eating.
- Running inflatable bed's noisy electric pump without warning while I'm asleep a few feet away. Only to whack off later to Japanese porn, while I'm still in the room.
- Closing our room's door to block the music from the other guys... effectively cutting all means of ventilation.
- Transforming a light conversation into a full fledged argument.
- And finally, scratching your balls, with arm down your shorts, in front of my face (And also others - who won't complain - but will talk behind your back). On the other hand, it has been a long time since this last happened. Sadly, the memory remains fresh.
It's quite sad it had to come to this. But I think this is a much more civilized way of sorting out our differences rather than having wild frenzied arguments. Moreover, I was never good at debate or at putting across some good points during an argument. This is why I prefer to write. It's relaxing and involves much lower blood pressures.
Now first, we'll clear out some things that may get in the way of your ability to recognize your own faults... This letter is all about YOU. It's a sincere effort by me, your roommate, to fix the things about YOU that greatly annoy me. You must understand that this letter has nothing else to do with me. If you want me to fix my annoying habits (which I often try to do even without your request), then write your own letter. Until then, we're at war. Picture this letter as my request for a cease-fire. We can only achieve it if both parties consent.
So that's all cleared up. From the beginning (4 months ago), I had seen the need for us to be friends (not necessarily good friends, but friends as in the general usefulness of the term - that arguments can be easily avoided). Despite the fact that the "other two guys" gave me a pretty bad first impression about you before we first met, I still tried to stay in good terms with you. During the first two months, I never mocked your odd habits (especially the food habits). It was I who started friendly conversations with you when no one else would. It was I who gave you the benefit of doubt that you might just be a nice person. Soon later, I imagined we were close enough to exchange friendly jokes at each other. I was wrong...
Every reference of flatulence in relation to your primary diet of beans – offended you. At first, you remained quiet and took the offence without returning a friendly joke in retort. A passing comment on your obscenely tight clothes turned into a wild argument with insults thrown both ways. Every humble request from someone to stop one of your annoying habits was immediately taken badly by your pride. Your reply was normally a far fetched theory explaining your habit (eg: slurping a drink mixes saliva with it – which is healthy; another eg: Cleaning gravy from a table before it fuses into a stubborn stain is a big waste of kitchen paper towels). You must understand that such arguments might make sense to you. But to a "normal" person, it seems plain weird, and for the same reason - they have no counter-argument. A more recent reaction of yours is to retort by pointing out one of my bad habits that supposedly evens out the battle field. I realize that one or more such arguments ended with me saying something to the tune of – "It's a disgrace how your parents brought you up". I'd like to apologize for that... although I still stand by it.
You might have read the list that I wrote above describing those habits about you that really annoy everyone, not just me. I think I have toned them down to your advantage quite a bit, hoping that there will be no disagreements from your side, which might block your ability to see reason in these serious unresolved issues. Please browse through them and let me know what you disagree with.
On a final note, I understand that there is a chance (by your infinite arrogance) that you will bring this letter back to me and tear it up in front of my face.
I beg to differ.
Because by doing so, you would immediately become one of the only two people on my bad side. If you're curious, the only person who is currently on my bad side is already dead. But it wasn't me who caused it. He died in a motorcycle accident. He was squeezed between a speeding bus and a metal fence somewhere in Hyderabad. The fence ripped off his left arm and I believe he died instantly. I wouldn't know how an arm injury can cause instant death. But, it's a damn shame - the way he died.
Anyway, back to YOU. I simply hate having people on my bad side. I try my best to keep everyone on my good side. Or at least - everyone who's still alive.
Trust me... I'm trying my best to make this work out. It's your move now. What you do makes all the difference between war and peace. And war with me, can get very ugly.
Warm regards,
Cyriac
